PROUD.

                    I have said many times that I should not be here. I am a survivor in all sense of the word.
I have come from an era that can only be described as Felliniesque with the hedonism and blindness to the terror that eased its way into the lives of so many. I was never one to hold back when it came to the excessive lifestyle of the 80's....but with that came the 90's which tossed aside excess and piled on abuse upon degradation of what little soul I had left from the 80's. I did not understand the concept of clean living or to that matter happiness. It is funny how a small thing such as a glass stem can destroy dreams,lives,families and careers. The puff of that copper scented cloud will haze a future and make life seem all but forgotten to the individual...and to me it was all about finding a place to lay my head down and welcome the touch of someone who only cared about refilling the stem and that hazy puff. It was an almost 30 year journey of understanding the concept of failure and the true value of the recovery process.
                     This past September I experienced a full circle in where I lost the innocence of childhood to the discovery of the man I am to become. In the late 70's I hung with a crew of teens I had met in the suburbs of Philly who took me under their wing and I became Oliver to their Artful Dodger and a 40 year old Fagin. I was shown the places in the underground terrain of Philadelphia's pedestrian tunnels and public restrooms....I was being shown the art of hustling...from the Brooks Brothers suited commuters of the mainline to the sweaty constructions workers of local job sites. It was these excursions on summer days and fall weekends that the soul slowly faded between the alcohol soaked breath of the Septa worker to the Aramis scented suburbanite....I would be harden and bitter by the age of 14. My Star Wars toys collected dust as I became the 10 minute toy of a rushed commuter or the cash cow of the other jaded youths I hung with.
                      It was in the huge hall of the Reading Terminal train shed that I realized I was in the area that used to be the place some of the men would bring me to in the past to fuck and dump. In this hall was a huge NA symbol hanging above and it was here I felt I had come back to reclaim what was stolen from me so long ago. I had found my soul again...I was where I should be....and the gift was, I was among 40,000 other people who would understand this story and would weep or tear up with the symbolism and the meaning of this to me. I saw people that weekend from the days of disco in the heyday of Philly's nightclub scene of the 80's and 90's....and I went to a Gay and Lesbian meeting of NA members and for the first time I realized I have nothing to worry about being clean....a lot of us are out there. I was proud for the first time in a long time of who I was and since then I can not tell you of the changes within myself.
                       I have fought hard these past few months to retain my grades and have become the student my Mother knew I always was....I had the opportunity and still do ...to go to Japan with a student abroad program...but I was told I am to old for the program ( in polite terms I am non traditional)...what I learned is this too shall pass and with that; an opportunity came where I am eligible for University of Pennsylvania... and... why? ..or... how?... you ask.....because I am a non traditional student. I have an open door in front of me with so many paths to chose from because of my GPA and 100% because of my journey in recovery. I can look at myself in the mirror and say that I like what I see....I may not be the piece of meat I was in my youth....but I am a much happier man and I can change. I told someone how I felt about them and it was the first time since the 8th grade I went an opened myself up....it may not have turned out the way I wish but it gave me the courage to ask again if someone ever piqued my interest....I told someone I would rather meet someone now in my transitional stage because they like Michael and not the kid from the tea rooms....I can look forward to falling in love now because the thaw has destroyed all self hatred and loathing....its so easy to say now I am proud of who I have become. I love my life now and its all because I believed in the fact that life will get easier if you just believe in yourself and in the program.