SEX WITH OR WITHOUT.........

Sex is unequivocally one goddamn mind fuck. I add that mind fuck with maybe a gram of crystal meth or a bundle of rock and I am an incredible fuck that can last for days or until the jaw locks or the rug burns cripple me. I now have the new equation of sex + being clean.....that is more goddamn frightening to me than anything......I would rather be tip toeing across a high wire above the pits of hell than facing sex stone cold sober.
From the time of being plied Ortlieb's beer and thrust onto a bed and fucked senseless at the age of 11 to each time I have tried to go out an find "someone" I have been either pickled,drugged or a combo of both. I can not look in a mirror without seeing age,weight,loneliness and fear. I am like one of those black and white cartoons before the Hayes code of the 30's. These cartoons would show innocence and a sweet smile would appear before some little sinister creature would turn cherub into a horny little creature that would chase the baker around a kitchen before flinging the baker's wife into the hearth.
I do not know if I had that horny little creature in me before or was it the substances that made me into a 46 year old PUCK. Sex over the past 30 years has turned into an almost felliniesque orgasmic ritual that defies all odds. I became a ringmaster in the bedroom and directed every detail as this was my BIRTH OF A NATION. It was the meth frenzy that led turn on's to become fetish and fetish into hardcore.
I'm 46 and I have never had a long term relationship and the thought of diving back into the gay dating pool frightens the living shit out of me....I mean a Romney Inaugural Gown by Lands End that is some fucked up shit....but hitting the gay dating pool......I would rather be a democratic pundit on the O'Reilly factor.
My taste in men well that was .......pre crack addict ....I was eclectic and ran the gamut from hot leather boy to pretty boy fragrance terrorist....to some Jay Z clone ....to a bohemian artist type to a main line jock.....after crack I slept with everyone who could keep the pipe filled and those Grady types of the Sanford yards where all to many a staple at the end.
It's frightening what men can do......we can destroy countries,planets and ourselves and with one unzip we can destroy a man an condemn him into a life of torturous self destruction and destroy self esteem.  I need a warm embrace followed by a coppery scented blast of death....I am afraid of intimacy and terrified of love.
The disease of addiction and the ravages of childhood rape have left scarring tissue not visible to the world but only to this victim. A mirror can play tricks on you and one day the scars are all but faded and some days the scar tissue seems to fester with a bout of low self esteem.
I long for the day of a lovers touch and the gentle embrace on a crisp Autumn morning ,knowing that it is an embrace not bought with drugs but with the true beauty of my soul.