What I lost at GLYNY.............

GLYNY or GAY LESBIAN YOUTH NEW YORK my home away from home in the mid 80's has been reconnecting with all its former members over the past few years and I am starting to see faces from so long ago. I am also starting to have memories come back that have seemed to open up old wounds so long ago healed. I was a youth who had been robbed of childhood and thrust into the adult world of  the gay scene from the age of 13 -17. I was chicken to the pedophiles and to myself I was a shell of a child.

It was too my surprise when I went to my first GLYNY meeting to see people my age and younger who hung with themselves and seemed happy with who they were . I was among with peers and yet felt so alone among them . I had always wanted to be with someone my own age and I felt I was not good enough or a piece of rotten flesh that would not be worthy of the innocence of their youth. These young men and women showed me it was okay to laugh again and enjoy life with ones self. I would run freely among the piers or the side streets of the West Village with these youth and it felt as if I was Puck running freely among the forest sprites  and energetic faeries of this youthful group. I never felt more alive than with my GLYNY family. I saw people my own age in love with another peer and it was jealousy that led me to the underbelly of the scene and to the concern of many for the self destructive path that  I would eventually be on for decades.
 
I see how my path has robbed me many relationships and friendships through the years and what GLYNY has produced over the years are strong personalities ; men and women with careers and lives that the founding members would be so proud of . I chose a path away from those friendships and promises and delved into the cruising scene,club scene and worse. I had dreams I had discussed with many during my Saturdays at 208 West 13th Street . I had shared my writing and told some of my dreams to one day be a well known gay author and possibly a story or two in the Voice. It seemed all possible then with those peers of mine. I look at some of the former members have gone on to great things and done so much with their lives I feel so much less than. Lawyers,Artists,Doctors, Editors and such....I could have gone far with the support of my GLYNY peers but when I left NYC I left all behind. I now know how Miss Havisham felt sitting in her decaying wedding dress living in her past and trying to figure out how I could of done things so differently . I look back at those days and remember the opportunities that had been presented to me but I wanted the glitz and presents the city had to offer. My GLYNY friends would hold me up while this drunken teen would cry on their shoulders over a cup of cream of turkey soup at Tiffany's at the lost love I had met the previous week or that evening. I had ignored many from the group who were interested in me and genuinely cared for my well being. I just felt so jaded. I was only good for those subway bathroom trysts or a Saturday evening at the Saint Marks with men who followed me as if I was the piper luring them into some reclusive spot of the baths. I did learn through GLYNY and my days at 208 West 13th it was very possible to be in love with a man and be in love with them for many years this was in thanks to some of the men and women at SAGE.

I did fall in love at GLYNY but it was a relationship I doomed with my behavior and careless free fall from the friendships I had made at GLYNY. 1985 gay pride I spent the weekend with him and I confessed my love and I knew he had two men at the time but we had chemistry and he told me he really cared for me. The night of the parade we found ourselves at the Limelight and on our way to the Palladium or The Roxy I forget, when a waiter from Uncle Charlie's  whom had become a fuck buddy of mine told me of a private party at the Saint Marks on their roof deck with some William Higgin's Porn Stars and Falcon stars and plenty of cocaine. My GLYNY  love overheard and confronted me on the dance floor with his lover ( how Douglas Sirk was this ) and with Scotty Designer , Randino and Willi Ninja  among others pleaded with me to stay with them but I could not bare the fact his lover was there after the wonderful weekend we shared with our secrets and understanding it had come to this and I chose the porn star party and the cocaine. My secret love came out onto 6th Avenue and asked one more time and I looked at him as I got into the cab and I saw him ask me why. The next day with an incredible hangover and severe sunburn I met my crush with my luggage down in Soho near his employer and he threw the bags at me and asked if it was worth it and then with some tears told me never to contact him anymore. I spent the next couple hours at either the Monster or 9th Circle drinking my Stoli and grapefruit over some tears and  then I said my goodbyes at 208 West 13th in a slight drunken haze I then made my way into a cab to catch a NJ Transit bus back to Ocean City , New Jersey and the beginning of a long descent into the madness that became my life.

So when the reunion of GLYNY met 4 years ago I looked for the familiar faces from the 83-85 crowd and it was just Randino and I. I was sad and during the circle discussion I had said again my dream of writing my tale of my GLYNY memories and to hear my peers names read as deceased I felt my dreams had died with them. So it is a bittersweet waltz down memory lane as I start to see faces I do remember and maybe one day I will see him and I can rest easily to know he made it through the plague and his laughter will come back to me and then maybe I can forgive myself and let others get to know the real me .