Wasted Youth

I wrote about my loss or should I say my regrets during my GLYNY years but I really must say it was a wasted youth. I am so grateful that today's youth have outlets and help for their coming out. I know not all areas of this country have those outlets but it is way better than it was in the late 70's and early 80's. I wish I had the support of my peers back when growing up. I was more fascinated or more like intoxicated by the attention I received as a youth. It took years of therapy to realize I was nothing but a slab of filet mignon for those years when I should of been reaping the awards of Academia and going on with my dreams. I am trying now at 45 to look ahead but it is almost impossible not to look back with regret for decisions made on the deceptive allure of the clubs and the whole scene which swallowed you whole and spat you out at that time you no longer where the desirable youth but the drunken mess you had become.

I am so proud to have been a part of GLYNY even how small period of time it was ; the success of its former members is something to look at and smile. I hate how one incident can change your life and destroy your self image for what seems like eternity. I am looking ahead with some hope that my dreams can come true like so many GLYNY members of the past. Drugs have been a specter which haunts from the sideline like a pep squad which relishes in the defeat of another dream lost with the glass stem of death. I am not proud of my journey except for those short years spent with GLYNY and my peers. I wish sometimes it was 1983 again and I would of ignored the lure of the Saint/Mineshaft/Paradise Garage and gone to those house parties with other GLYNY members and stayed with my peers who watched over me like a Robin protecting its young chick with its damaged wing not knowing if it will fly into the heavens or will die a feeble and broken creature. I hear the words of one Joey Van Ness who said to me anything you want can happen if you just believe in yourself. I want to believe in myself  but for so long I  have been that grounded bird thinking I was feeble and not really knowing I had the potential to fly high into the heavens where dreams come true and wounds of the soul heal so quickly with ones success.

I fell for the lies of the pedophile who kept me like a trophy until the voice changed or facial hair became more noticeable to the observer . I believed so many promises from the estates of Neenah ,Wisconsin to the lofts of SoHo. I was a sucker for so many who sucked the innocence from me with each tryst . I fell every time someone told me they would be there in the future. It is so true one will never find true love until one loves oneself but when does that happen when one was so viciously robbed of a childhood which should of consisted of Proms,Graduations,College and a first love. I am a ghost of my former self but as I have said before a survivor on an exemplary level of guts and a will that I truly believe that my dream is just a minute away. I want so much to grab that brass ring as the carousel goes around for this later part of my life. If it is one thing I know from my GLYNY peers anything can come true if you just persevere and know you are worth it. Goddamn I am worth it and no one can tell me otherwise........now if I can just believe in myself this will become reality.