Questions asked .

Some people have been shocked that a young preteen can venture into such a desolate place within himself.  I wanted so much to be wanted by someone. I felt I was doomed and I used to picture myself in a casket and wonder who would kneel at my side to shed a tear. I would always imagine an empty parlor except for the casket and wind blowing through an open window whipping a gauzy curtain endlessly. 
It was as if I was a spectre who endlessly walk in the world in the shell of a young teenager. I truly felt that these places I went to and the men I met where to be my existence. I was okay with the dark alleys and the beer stench breath as they furiously pulled at my clothes and their lips covered me in the scents of beer and cigarettes or pot. I was their plaything for those 30 minutes or so and they my Prince in White. I was little teen lost.
This life followed me into my adult years from the seedy bathrooms of Upper Darby and Philadelphia to the public restrooms and public library of the pastoral farmlands in Appleton Wisconsin to the salt piles on NYC's piers and the boardwalk of America's favorite family resort Ocean City, New Jersey and back to the sleezy back streets in Philadelphia. I searched endlessly for the love I lacked in my home life.
I am not proud of this life but I will let others know where I have come from. Some may look at me like a jaded man or others a lost individual in this dark world. I see myself as someone who has been degraded in every form manageable but I have learned to survive what has been dealt me.  I know I deserve much better but the demons on the shoulder always have me thinking otherwise. I fight the urge to drop back into the lion's den but  sometimes it is a hard struggle.
It may be hard for you to understand but I want you to try and read with an open mind and realize this does happen out there in the real world and for those men you think are trash are just the product of a vicious cycle that begins with the destruction of the individuals childhood. It has turned what once was disgust into way of thinking that can eat the soul whole and destroy the innocence of the spirit.