WISCONSIN...beginning of a social downward spiral...PART 1

         It was a move that was suppose to change our family and instead imploded and the family unit became 2, it was them and me. I remember the last few months of fall in Philly when the crew from Georgetown Deli had been getting me wired with black beauties and yellow jackets and passing me from friend to friend...I remember having sex and telling these men how much I loved them and without thought I would be ushered from the apartment or the back room of the deli. At St. Bernadette's we knew love meant coupling, not a man and a child sweating it up on a stairwell in the back alleys of the 69th street shopping district.
     By then I had become such a burden to my parents for which my Mother was the brunt of my verbal abuse. I look back at things through a Psych class perspective from these past two years, the major signs of sexual abuse with young children...and lets face it 13 was hands down a child, in writings bed wetting was one of the big warning signs and until the age of 15, I was guilty of the nighttime embarrassing change of clothes and the shuffle of  clothes in the family hamper. It was so foreign back then that as child one could not fathom sexual abuse let alone what my life had become...having sex and coming home to play with my Star Wars Millennium Falcon and feigning child as I would put on that school uniform and head out to school. We left Drexel Hill that December of '79.
       Appleton, Wisconsin was a town of about 50-60 thousand and as I was to find out on my very first week there an underground of sexually active cruising spots right on the main strip of the downtown shopping district ...I was a young man of 14 and in 8th grade and already finding the places to relieve my teenage hormones...it was the era of the speedo and every goddamn night on television it seemed that every show had to show its stars in the form fitting suit, the speedo whomever invented it , well if you ask me, they should be given that award they give out in Sweden each year ...I know the name of the prize please... but goddamn the speedo made love to a mans body and it sculpted itself around the ass like glove to hand, and it was a hormonal trigger for this young fag in training.
       I remember Madison Junior High and my first day of class in January of 1980 and the Earth Science class I entered and the teacher Mr. K..( his name sounded like Ku Night) a carbon copy of a Amish Farmer ...the beard that still had traces of his morning toast , maybe some egg...anyhow if you remember back then most of are parents loved that cigarette and my Mother loved those Virginia Slims...in sub zero weather we where driven in her powder blue Maverick in a haze of Phillip Morris finest tobacco, Virginia Slims the quality product for women...well rushing into my first class in my new home state I made my way past the Human skeleton with a Badger jersey on it and Mr. K asked if I was the new student and then in less than 5 minutes destroyed any chance of getting a fresh start in Appleton..."Mr. Bates...he asked looking over his glasses ( what now I would say where fabulous vintage eyewear ...then horribly dated)...I replied and noticed about 20 other set of eyes glaring back under ruffled hair, homemade knit caps and hunter caps in camo and that lovely day glow Orange with some caps full of fishing lures...where the fuck was I...I am standing there in a pair of Jordache jeans and a green silk Eagles jacket...( it was my favorite jacket...never to be worn again ...in Packer country)...anyhow with my reply I watched eyes glisten and girls giggle as Mr. K went on a 5 minute tirade of how he was insulted that I had come into his classroom smelling like cigarettes...I told him I do not smoke and he called me a liar and had a student "smell" me to see if he had smelled smoke on me...I was fuming as this asshole subjected me to his asinine spate of anti smoking ...Jesus Christ this was about 15 years before it was the national opinion. I looked at him...the fellow classmates and swallowing a sob...gave him the finger and took off. I slammed the door and found myself face top of head of my savior at Madison...Mrs Szwicky...a pleasant woman with a great smile and a temper not to be messed with...she had caught the tirade and him calling me a liar and took my arm and slammed the door...I mean this pint sized dynamo tore into him and his classroom door rattled to the frame. I was gobsmacked at her tenacity as she cursed under her breath ...gave me a piece of juicy fruit and took me to the office. I was stunned at this woman and her bravado...she turned out to be a sort of liaison for new students and she had come to introduce herself to me...she looked at me and said ..."I have to admit you smell like smoke..." I told her that my parents both of whom smoked like chimneys and I had not started to smoke as of yet...before I popped the juicy fruit I leaned over and blew my breath and she smiled. I was blown away about an hr later when I was getting high five in the hallways and realized I had become a school celebrity for what was to be a brief stay at the top...I was the Judd Nelson of Madison Jr. High because I took on Mr. K...in fact I was scared shitless and terrified that a pod would be placed under my bed and I would soon be wearing hunter camo ...two teen girls in his class where now admirers as I was the kid from the big city and I gave the finger to the asshole teacher...
               I hated my life...That day the school bus left off at the entrance to the 1 of two Department stores in Appleton...Prange's...the other being Gimbel's which was a Philadelphia institution for almost a century...I made a beeline for Gimbel's and checked out their men's department and wept at the site of corduroy and more corduroy...but I saw a guy checking me out , he was about 22 and had that bad boy Van patten look...the bad actor of the family...if thats saying anything. He twitched his head towards the back of the store and I started to follow him...I also noticed some older man of about maybe late 40's give me the look of death ...as I went to trip the light fantastic with the elder bad boy Van Patten. He went out the back door and into the stores parking garage which was the beginning of my descent into anonymous degrading sex...The parking garage had a restroom that once inside smelled of poppers and stale urine and beer.The Van Patten clone dropped his parka like one of Eileen Ford's runway gazelle's of the time...to my horror he was wearing a brown corduroy overalls which dropped to reveal a body sculpted of alabaster with the sweetest ass and gorgeous tan line ( speedo again)...with a dick only a Lovelace could love, he whipped out a brown bottle which he then began to open under my nose and I preceded to be overcome by the vapors of RUSH and almost puked onto bad boy Patten. He leaned over and shoved his tongue so goddamn far down my throat I thought I was going to be a Van Patten by proxy. The act was carnal to say the least and in the year that I have been having sex it was one of the most intense and memorable to this day. His name was Matt and he was known within the gay community of the Appleton area and his reputation was someone whose sexual libido was off the Kinsey chart. Matt for the next half hour or so touched every part of my body while shoving the bottle of RUSH under my nose. In this small bathroom in the garage we could feel the arctic chill of the January day turning into dark winds of winter. Between the smell of RUSH , urine and the taste of beer on Matt's breath and the smooth touch of his hands it was the all out assault on my senses...he asked how old I was and without thinking I said I would be 14 in just a few weeks...his response was another hit of RUSH and he further precede to shove his tongue down my throat and pulled back and in a husky voice whispered to me... Hot... into my ear.
 The bathroom door started to open and in walked a middle aged man wrapped in a very long yellow knitted scarf and with beady eyes that glared at me and what seemed like a hiss to me in this RUSH induced euphoria whispered Matt's name...Matt smiled this amazing bad boy smile and pulled up my pants and I felt a tongue behind my ear as Matt whispered for us to go. He smiled this incredible smile and waved to the queen in the home knitted scarf that could of strangled a dozen Isadora Duncan's and off we went. Matt held my arm and led me through the garage and told me we would be stopping by a friends apartment. The sky was turning this pewter grey and the overcast was thick in the air and it was a little sharp to breath...Matt thought my accent was British ( I hear that a lot over the years out there...no it was the fact my diction was Eliza Dolittle perfect)...he started rambling about the bathroom and the cruising that went on in this town from the library to the garage to the Lawrence University campus and to the parking lots of the two gay bars in the city. We went to this other young man's apartment just past Heid Park and he introduced me to this fellow who was about 18 and was dressed in a short kimono of a very light blue and lavender ...Tommie Morris was Appleton's very unashamed gay character of the main drag of College Avenue...Matt went into his and Tommie's room and brought out a plate with some weed and a few pills on it...Joint?...asked Matt and he precede to roll a joint...Tommie was what all homosexuals would say...a vicious queen whom did not like being threatened and at 14... I was the Eve Harrington dilemma and his first question " How old are you kid?" and without a beat I heard Matt tell him it was my 16th birthday that week...Tommie looked as if he was struck by a falling jet engine... and isn't he cute? and his dick is..."Is what ...what Tommie cried...Matt looked at me and pulled me into the bedroom for one last deep kiss and whispered World war three was about to begin...he slipped me his number on a Heid music store card and pushed me out the door and as I made my way down the stairs I listened as the war began upstairs...The wind lashed through Heid Park and my face felt as if small pieces of crushed glass were pelting it...I made my way back to the center of town on College Avenue and caught my bus home to West Grant street...it was the start of a three and a half year descent into the gay underground of Appleton with its married men, school officials , city official's and high school students whom where the toys of paper mill owners,dairy farmers,architects and more...Appleton was one goddamn seedy town that was the wrong place for me trying to start over a better life for myself...Matt was someone I would meet on and off through the next few years and each time I saw him he looked more and more defeated...he was becoming old at 23 and the men stopped the rent, stopped the loans and in 1983 I saw him right after New Years and he told me he had spent about 6 months in Chicago and New York...he was fighting a really bad flu and it had taken a toll on his amazing gymnast body ...I moved from Appleton in August of 83 about 2 months after Matt's death which was told in whispers and disgust as this "slut" brought it upon himself...Matt was what I would turn into...one of those young men that truly believed these men did like them and no one would treat us they way they have had over those brief years...I became jaded at such an early age and it all began in the sordid little town of Appleton, Wisconsin.