SOMETIMES YOU JUST NEED TO HEAR IT FROM SOMEONE ELSE TO UNDERSTAND IT ALL

It was one of those cold fucking days of winter we seem to be getting around here lately not unlike our neighbor to the north, Boston which now resembles some scene from an apocalyptic 70's disaster film buried under tons of snow. Well anyhow not to beat a dead horse it was fucking cold outside and here I was sitting in the basement of a convent , a convent I might add where I spent many a days in detention in 7th and 8th grade. It was a typical NA meeting and this Saturday morning on this nipple hardening day seemed to really pack the place to the rafters. The young man shared his message and I heard for the first time outside my brain how exactly how I felt...life changes and the fear of leaving ones comfort zone primarily out of feeling safe within the meeting/friend zone hits you like a ton of bricks or in this weather a ton of snow.
Case in point...May 21st I will graduate with a Associate's degree in Psychology and then within a mater of weeks will be moving back into the city on my own and attending either Drexel or U of Penn to continue my education. I ran almost 21 years ago from the city and have cocooned myself in a place I have stagnated over the past decade in a remorse of self pity and hatred of myself. I realize in my entire life I have never experienced anything without a drug or a drink when on my own. It is a numbing realization and it leaves one flummoxed at the thought. I want to sit at a pub or cafe and celebrate with friends with a lovely brunch or dinner, I don't have to be drunk or high to do this and I have done it out here clean many times , but now Michael will be back in the deep end of life without his water-wings on and his knowledge of life without the need to run and hide behind a stem or pile of empty beer bottles ( micro-brew of course). I will be in the setting I love and it is the city life. So as I listened to this young man express his fears an doubts I heard myself saying to myself...I am not the only one with those fears of self doubt. I am coming to such a great pinnacle in my life that what better way to experience it...and that is completely clean from self doubt, drugs, and other substances I crave when feeling the joys of life.
Life is changing for us all every day and it is the little things for some such as moving on that seem monumental to sum of us that it triggers us in ways that keep us from experiencing life the way it was meant to be...and that is what we make it all out to be in the end.