WHY DO THIS AT ALL..........

                           I am alone in a family house with the ghost of a martyr and a man who should of never become a parent. I have lived among insults and negativity for these past few years, that my accomplishments of the past year and a half seem fruitless and frivolous. I can never expect fatherly praise that does not include a backhanded negative comment, that is the sad fact I have come to accept. I live with the fact that my mother could not say she loved my father when asked a few weeks before she passed , and watch my father talk about how much he did for her and how he loved her. It is a weight that is becoming harder to bare and I fear one day it will be a weapon that will destroy the man whom I am obliged to call Dad. I can leave but I can not bare the thought of him being alone because that is a fate I would never wish upon anyone.
I am beginning to cut again and it is the blindness of that moment of pain that keeps me from teterring off the edge back into the insanity of addiction. I don't see happiness anymore and I am losing this fight to control the pain of that depression that has taken so many of my friends from this plain. I am tired of the lonely nights that have been my life for all these years; I don't want to go back to the amyl nitrate scented back rooms or the crack houses looking for love. It was those brief encounters that brought me to the precipice of insanity so long ago. I am no longer that young buck who could pick and choose , now it is I who bait the addict with the bags of drugs. I want that chance to love with a pure heart and celebrate my accomplishments without the numbing of addiction. I want to make love with a man who wants me for who I am and not the amount of drugs I have or cash in my pocket.
Is it wrong to want this.....is it wrong to to wish my parent gone....is it wrong to quit now.....is it wrong to sleep eternally without the natural release....I want to live again like the child I feel inside my heart....I want to walk hand in hand with someone I can love freely......I want to celebrate life again with the courage that got me this far......Why do this at all......with this broken heart all seems hopeless......I AM GOING TO PULL MYSELF UP......BUT RIGHT NOW HELL IS A PLACE I CALL HOME.