PEOPLE PLEASING NO MORE.......I BID ADIEU TO MY LAST CRUTCH

               I have had the honor of being one of thee worst types of persons possible and that is the PEOPLE PLEASER.  From the time of the cherubic kindergartner who would give away toys freely so you would be my friend. I would invite a class of 6 year old's to the extravagant soiree's of the typical Saturday afternoon at the local Howard Johnson's , while classmates gouged on fried hot dogs and fried clams on the familiar square shaped hot dog buns....I would flitter among the kids like an intensely dedicated Elsa Maxwell of the pre school set making sure all were taken care of. My birthday was the one day a year I could be extravagant and sell myself as becoming a new friend to you. It would be bliss for me as I feigned that this was the beginnings of friendships that would last through our grade school years.....sad this only lasted the 3 hours of the party. On Monday I was the weird kid again teased by the rest of the kids.
I always wanted your respect so I knew at that early age .....well sad to say.....it was a commodity just like everything else in life. Buying friendships and relationships have been a part of this addicts life since he can remember.  I bought love with a baggie of good rock or ice and it turned into a ritual that destroyed any chance for me to replace degradation with the soft act of intimacy.
We are not promised anything but the desire to stop using, we may still be the wounded soul we had become or the steel hearted bastard we were on the street. It is up to us as an individual to look within ourselves and stick with those who truly care. Like all friendships in our past we chose those who were like us or more damaged so we could feel a little bit better about ourselves. It also seems to happen in recovery also....I am afraid to be myself so I have to either conform to the group or be a watered down version of Michael.  I have learned I am by myself and it is a fucking reality check that comes with a price of shedding unhealthy relationships and venturing into taking risks.
I drop this crutch with all the grandeur of a silent film star dropping her ermine cape to the flash of the paparazzi and walking head held high as she makes her way into her premier in the new age of talkies....unsure of what tomorrow brings but proud and determined not to let it all get in the way of change.