A Mothers Final Wish.....

I want to be wrong about this whole incident but the writing is on the proverbial wall. As a child we want that love of a Mother and through looking at photos of my youth I see the glisten in my Mothers eyes and I so want to believe that glisten. Mother's day of 2012 will see the placement of my Mother's headstone on her grave and the names of all family members with the exclusion of one name : mine, her only son.

I was a child who followed his Mom around like a lost puppy and as I got older I felt more alone. After the rape I felt something missing and it drove me into the arms of men who saw the tender flesh of youth to exploit and innocence they could siphon into their lost souls. The sparkle of my Mother's eye changed to a quizzical look that hid her confusion over the loss of the young boy who use to laugh at the simplest things. I wanted love and the household at that time something was amiss so I ventured out too the parking garages of Upper Darby into the seats of Grand Prix's or the back of some utility van lying down among painters tarps and the smell of turpentine as he would crawl on top with the stale breath of Marlboro's and onions from his quick lunch.

This was the beginning of a lifelong search for love,acceptance and answers for why I had no place in my family,life and within the gay community.  I was never allowed to mention my dreams to love another man as I watched my family as they celebrated the nuptials of my Sister. I have been in a carnival sized goldfish bowl for years watching life in a distorted view which has left me with an inconceivable way at living life.

My Mother's wishes have been met and I am left out and excluded from family.....how do I explain this pain to anyone. My psyche is shot and all that trying for the wonderbread family of childhood was a waste of time, and this pain seems like an ominous fog going across this bog of what is left of the childhood soul. Tears sear my ducts and the sobs are stifled by the pillow of a night sky. My dream that one day I would fall in love with someone who sees the child in me racing across a dew filled meadow catching fireflies along with the pain that has branded his heart. This all seems futile now that my Mothers love has been shown in her final wishes.