RAGE AND HOW TO SNUFF OUT A LIFESTYLE.

I find myself thinking "WHAT THE FUCK!" with all this bullshit about trying to find love. I think of those dark hallways with the aroma of amyl nitrite and the sounds of a sexual abandonment.The feeling of emptiness as I become slave to the drug of degradation and self hatred. I am a product of an era when sex was found in cold dank restrooms of bus terminals and once powerful Department Store legends of 1970's Philadelphia. I was just a new teen and already a pro of gloryhole etiquette. I found love by leaning against cold metal plating of a bathroom stall with my cock stuck through a savagely cut hole and into the mouth of someones Father,Lover or Husband. I did not know anything a child my age should know. I knew the locations of the restrooms from suburban Philadelphia such as Bambergers,John Wanamaker's and then into the dank and urine stained floors of Suburban Station and the always filled restrooms of Gimbels , Strawbridge&Clothier and John Wanamaker's flagship store. I hung with other lost teens at the Hasty Tasty Deli on 12th Street. I hustled for my joints,Yellow Jackets and for the new line of Star Wars toys. I was someone who feigned being a youth but at the age of 14 I was an empty shell and wanted just one person to hold me and tell me they loved me.

I spent my JR. High and High School years feigning teen while again my soul had been sold for clothes from Marshal Fields and the albums of THE SMITHS,B-52's,THE CURE and others that knew the horrible angst this soul felt. I discovered the lure I had over men with the track star toned body and the length of my cock. I still seemed to taunt with the innocent parochial schoolboy looks and naivete of my true age. I became the personal possessions of many a men from the owners of Paper Mills in Wisconsin to nightclubs in Manhattan (Peppos cum dumpster). I was the toy who did what they wanted and the son  who became a ghost in his own home. In my late teens and early 20's I was given the suits from Charivari and drugs from A thru Z and it slowly ate away any hope I had at a"normal" life. I withdrew into a rage filled alcoholic / coke addled jaded homosexual at the age of 25. I had left my soul along the wayside as I sunk deeper into a glass stem and the dark hallways of Adult bookstores and Bath Houses. I do not know how in the hell I came out of this depravity untouched by the virus. I found myself almost hoping to either overdose or end up dead in some grassy lot in the underbelly of  Philadelphia.

I now find myself in the new backrooms of this generation the sexual hook up internet sites such as Gay.com,Manhunt and A4A...I look for those who will take me as I am ....I am no longer the innocent and naive child of the 70's and 80's but the bitter and jaded faggot that I have let myself become. I now felt I had to have the drugs to be liked and have found myself sinking farther into this self hatred. I have had this RAGE in me for years and have taken it out on family members to the self mutilating of myself.

I cry for the lost years but as many a therapist has said they see a resiliency in me that I do not. I know that under all this boo hooing I still want that storybook romance that has eluded me for decades. I never had been in relationships only transactions of a carnal nature. I want to spit bullets when I see ugly people in relationships but that really is something an ugly person would say. I look in a mirror now and see someone who is starting to see a possibility at a future. I have lost so much this past year that I am now seeing the resiliency others see. It is time for this Peter Pan to catch his shadow and let go of the darkness and think of fulfilling those dreams I had when nightmares where just that and dreams a possibility.