TIMID YOUTH AND THE GREED OF THE PEDOPHILE Pt.2

I look back at the past 33 years and how a half dozen years shaped the person I am today. I lived my life by how I was treated by the men who passed me around like a doobie at a Grateful Dead show. I was a haunted youth who desperately needed the proverbial shoulder to cry on. I always thought the molestation was my first sexual encounter and it took almost 30 years to come and understand I was the victim of rape. I knew I was attracted to men then but at 11 almost 12 years of age a young preteen can not consent to such an act that took place.

 I was searching places that really no child should ever know at that young of age. I ventured deep within the underbelly of lifestyle that grasped me and still clings to me this very day. I was taken advantage of for those years and I unknowingly let these men use me for the piece of flesh I had become. I let these men throw me against walls , against bathroom stalls , abandoned stairwells and piss stained peep show booths. It was years of so called affections that led me to believe the attention was genuine and the "love" real. I was the arm candy of the rich men of suburbia and the bed partner of a lonely soul .  I found myself  questioning myself when I was ignored when calling or just casually left out of social gatherings. I thought it was I who deserved the abandonment and I found myself questioning myself as a person.

I was tossed aside at the age 15 for the new model; a 16 year old from Oshkosh ,Wisconsin a wrestler at the local High School. I was then tossed to the next in line a lawyer who entertained me with trips to the local steakhouse and days spent on his houseboat. I was abandoned by the millionaire and basically given to his lawyer. I spent the next couple of years going to other mens homes meeting the boy toys and older lovers and it seemed to be this exclusive club which included youth and aging young men who waited with baited breath as a new younger man would be introduced to the circle and as if a lottery one of us would be dismissed. I remember being the bait once for this man in Oshkosh who had come upon a young Hispanic male who could of been no more than 13 at the time. This man would take me to the local mall in Oshkosh and have me cruise the young teen and then invite him back to the mans home. The young teen and I seemed to connect quite quickly and within minutes we where in this mans Mercedes going back to his home. I wanted so much to be with this young teen ( I was about 15 at the time) because I was yearning for the attention of someone closer to my age instead of the aged men I was accustomed to.  I found myself kissing the teen and within minutes this man had joined in the process and casually gave me a 50 dollar bill and told me to lock the door on the way out. I always looked at the money as a reward for the annoyance of the company of some of these men.

This man from Oshkosh used me quiet a lot whether at the shopping malls or the adult bookstore luring college kids into the video room for a quick bait and switch. I remember him taking me down to Milwaukee one winter evening to some local bars ( Cest La Vie , and Club 219 ) where the carding was definitely overlooked and the bars became a watering hole for the young and bliss for the hunter. I was given my cocktails and purchases from Marshal Fields as an incentive to lure the prey into that infamous bait and switch. I remember this evening quite well because this man happened to be introduced to a young diver from the University of Wisconsin Madison and I was left alone in the downstairs of Cest La Vie as he and his conquest ventured upstairs to the rooms for a "proper introduction" . I was left standing with my Marshal Fields bags and about 20 dollars to my name when the bartender informed me my so called gentleman friend would see me back in Oshkosh. It was about midnight and with no buses running back to Appleton I found myself alone and scared.I remember the bartender seeing my predicament  and he quietly called me aside and gave me another 20 dollars and told me to sit at the bar and he would take care of the problem. I slept that night in one of the "rooms"  above the bar alone on threadbare sheets and found out that Oshkosh had left in the middle of the night with his new found toy....a track star for a college diver. I happened to mention these bars because just a few years later they became infamous for the pick up joints for one Jeffery Dahmer. Had I dodged a bullet or what .

Oshkosh had ignored my phone calls and with his unanswered letters I drove myself into a neurotic frenzy on what I had done for this man to dump me. The sweet justice of it was one afternoon this diver had picked me up for the bait and switch and boy was Oshkosh surprised at the mouth on this deposed youth. My way of thinking was as messed up as a Dali painting. I honestly thought these men cared for me and had true feelings for me so when I realized  it was all a ruse I talked myself into believing I was filth that could never be loved.

I spent the next few years letting myself be used and abused by total strangers who saw nothing but a rock hard ass and big dick for the taking. I became a fixture in seedy places and found myself sleeping with anyone who would throw me some cash,pills,booze or lines. I remember how friends would talk to me and beg me to stop this moral decline and self abuse. I again was tossed aside at the age of 18 for a 16 year old Cuban from Queens and I had made it my point never again to let a man profess his so called affection for me. This was a short lived promise because in just over a year it would happen again twice , once with a bodybuilder/nurse from New Jersey who dumped me for another 16 year old and a college student  from Georgetown who dumped me for a sugar daddy. I was so sure of my inability to find true love or even dating that I talked myself into such self loathing that it has blossomed into a belief that is hard to disbelieve. I was property of mens egos and flesh to be so carelessly abused and tossed away like yesterdays garbage. I have become a shell of utter disrespect that I now have no dreams of pure love or domestic bliss . I am product of pedophilia that has branded me with such brutal force I have become the byproduct of emotional abuse and physical abandonment that one can only fathom in some Dickensian prose.