1983 : T*E*C, GLYNY , IPLGY and THE HARVEY MILK SCHOOL

I was reading a few days ago about the 24th annual Emery Awards for the Hetrick-Martin Institute. I was proud for a moment because of my association with them back in 1983-84,and 86. I remember things differently than what one would read in Gay/Lesbian periodicals .

 1983 was the beginning of my full coming out story. In the spring of '83 I had been kicked out of High School in Appleton ,Wisconsin when telling my guidance counselor I was gay. I was watching my parents go through a miserable time in their marriage and I had fallen in love. It was a hodgepodge of mixed emotions as I was trying to stop my cruising of Wisconsin's tearooms and adult bookstores and get my act together after my English teacher Mrs.Kostelnik told me I was an excellent writer.I really wanted that title of Michael Bates Author. I was a loaded pistol as I juggled many lifestyles at that time. I was the boy toy of Gordon Fowler owner of Appleton Supply ( he was 2 years older than Dad), High School Student (11th Grade),Christian Youth member(where I met the one person I think I ever loved),Member of Milwaukee Gay Youth,Party Animal from The Factory in Milwaukee,Park Avenue Sunday Gay Nights in Milwaukee (  I missed my classes Monday  at Xavier ), with Appletons Gay Inner circle I was known as THAT BOY from the parking garage.Little did I know there had been a small circle of students who were gay at Xavier and one in particular I found out about my last week in Appleton ( my favorite Senior on Xaviers softball team).

I was a little miffed because I was not part of those students but it seemed they where in the circle of the Drama /Musical Director a very very effeminate man who looked a cross between Elton John and a basset hound . I was blown away when I first saw him when a casting notice for the musical THE WIZ went up on the board by the cafeteria . That was in '82 and in '83 when casting for Godspell I remember him walking down the hallway past the courtyard towards the cafeteria and the jeers and names being said. I have no idea how he was hired in this extremely tight knit Christian/Catholic School. It was also the man who tried very hard to bed me whenever he saw me at any gay party in Appleton. It was also the year I became very active with a Christian Youth Group known as Teens Encounter Christ (T*E*C) .

T*E*C was something I would not of considered had it not been for a certain female student who made the suggestion to go on one of their retreats. My first retreat was extremely emotional and a cleansing experience for it is where I opened up about my molestation. I remember sitting in the room with about 5 people and myself.  The retreat had broken up into groups of six and had gone off to different parts of the retreat center.I was in Fr. Mike's group with Paul ( brother of my next door neighbor),Joyce,and woman about in her late 20's-30's who became a close friend at  the time( sad but I forgot her name but not her face),and another girl. I had opened up how I had been molested by that Guido from South Philly. It is funny because really at that time I never thought of it as a molestation ,but at that time in that room it was a time to confess our secrets. I still had some of those Catholic teachings in me that; I was destined to burn in hell for being a sodomite. I broke down and wept for something came from deep in my soul and released into that room. I remember the looks on the faces as I wiped the stinging tears away and saw compassion and I think forgiveness. The rest of the retreat was a realization to me that there was goodness to these people that was lacking in my home life.Fr. Mike was concerned for me and kept in touch and the young woman became my mentor so to speak of the Bible.Joyce welcomed me into her home and her family and I saw how families were suppose to be. Paul became a friend and it seemed life was getting better. I have to say this might of been in the spring of '82 and the T*E*C experience went until  late spring '83. I felt shame because I still hid my secret life from my friends but as things progressed I realized I would be a sinner in their eyes if I did not repent my lifestyle and be a follower of Christ. 

I saw so much love and loving families through my involvement with T*E*C that I started to resent my family and my rage started and God help my family. Joyce and her family had me over a few times; and I still see the dark mahogany  of the living room and her Mother with her hair in a loose bun and the many children running around as Joyce showed me how to make cheese popcorn. I was in a middle of a real family and my anger became more and more focused on the dysfunction of my family. I started to meet more people through T*E*C and became friends with many ( again faces not names). If you remember John Hughes films from the 80's well you understand that I was amongst a coup of Hughes characters. I had a crush on this wrestler from Oshkosh who used to drive a Caddy Hearse and hung with him and Kathy Penzenstadler ( You have to remember your first kiss).
I became involved with Pro-Life when Appleton had a Youth Convention and it was here I started meeting other gay youth. I remember sleeping on the floor next to this kid from Green Bay who in the middle of the night slid his hand into my sleeping bag and we looked at each other in the eyes and kissed while Fr. Mike slept about 10 feet away.The next day the kid and I slipped out and went to Pranges a local Department Store and hit the tearoom on the sixth floor where we kissed and made out but nothing more when out of the blue came Xavier's Drama/Musical director with a 9th grader from Xavier( I knew him from my forensic's team). Green Bay and I fled back to the convention and was subjected to the repeat viewing of the film Operation Rescue . It was after the 3rd or 4th viewing that weekend Green Bay , myself and a few others decided this was something out of the book 1984 and we decided we where not to be indoctrinated into the Pro-Life movement. It is a woman's choice and I will leave it at that. Green Bay never spoke to me again even when in the same room at a T*E*C event. What a fucking queen he was and I will say I was crushed. This was to be the beginning of my decent into a cauldron full of low self esteem.

It was through T*E*C I became sort of a ladies man. I was asked out by a girl from Kaukauna  her name was Holly and we saw Flashdance and went to Mary's Drive- In for their fried chicken and root beer floats.We talked about fashion and our dream to go to NYC. She dropped me off at home and before I got out of the car she asked me if I was gay and it threw me off a bit and I replied yes. Dawn promised she would never say anything and told me how cool it was that I was gay.Kathy Penzenstadler and I would go out a few times and when she did her T*E*C weekend  I was a volunteer and there was a contingent of Xavier students who where there on the weekend and two of the boys where after Kathy. When the volunteers came out to the new T*E*C members and gave them their crosses Kathy cried as I gave her her's . The Xavier boys where pissed that I was Kathy's guy. It was this weekend if I am right that Joyce's parents did the weekend also. It was an emotional ride.I had made many friends through T*E*C.

I had met Gordon Fowler in the winter of 1980 in the tearoom in Gimbels parking garage and he took me back to his office at Appleton Supply the business he owned . Gordon became somewhat of a sugardaddy over the next 3 years. I was taken to shopping sprees in Milwaukee at Marshall Fields and Milwaukee's gay bars. I was introduced to many gay friends of his in Appleton and for those years I was passed among many of his friends like a joint in a frat house. He would take me to Oshkosh for a clothes spree at Chess King and then the local adult bookstore for some escapade with others via gloryhole. '83 I had been burnt out with his friends and the sex which had taken a nasty turn after he had seen me getting along with much of his younger friends. I would visit him through my years at Xavier since he lived a block away and would use his massive pool. Gordons children where about a few years older than me and would look at me with such contempt. I met him when I was only14 and he just assumed I was 16. I look back on it now  and it makes my skin crawl that I was younger than his youngest child. I met many characters and towards my last year in Wisconsin some teenagers from other local High Schools.It was a paradise for gay men because it seemed many of Gordons older friends started finding there own boy toys from the surrounding High Schools and Junior High Schools.  I was given money,drugs,clothes and other things from his many friends. Gordon had for many years had been trying to fuck me and after many ideas he had (an extra partner or another couple, another teen or teens) I told him about the Guido and my molestation. I was not one to take threats when Gordon told me he could find someone else who would let him fuck them. My other teen boy toys told me I was insane for not letting him fuck me. I was promised a college education , an automobile and security but I walked away. I did not see him for about 3 months and when he heard I was leaving he invited me to a barbecue at his place. It was about a week before I was to leave for Ocean City,New Jersey and at this barbecue I met his new boy toy a Senior from Xavier . The party had a cool chill as the ex and the current boy met each other. It was the one Senior I had such a crush on from seeing him shower after my track meets  and his softball game. I remember his baby blues and jet black hair and his name was Pat or Paul ( I'm not  sure). I had been watching him for the past three years and was subjected to his taunts and horrible shoves but dam he was hot. I went to the stone bar outside by the pool and grabbed a bottle of Dom Perignon ( Gordon had gotten about 12 bottles for the barbecue) and drank the entire bottle. I hate champagne because of this day. This was suppose to be a barbecue for me and it was turning very wicked and it just declined from there.

It was at this party where the group of older men and their speedo clad boys watched BOYS IN THE BAND on a new gadget called a beta max player. I was alone on his white leather sectional with the others watching this nasty look at the gay scene. I was in a room full of Harold's and Cowboy Tex's. I was getting more drunk as the film went along and watching these evil queens play the telephone game in the film and the faces of my so called friends as they deliciously enjoyed my humiliation . I jumped off the couch and dove into the pool. I remember  that champagne buzz and the water against my bare skin. I was joined by one of Gordons friend's boy toy who actually knew how I felt. I was told by him to run and not look back at these men. I asked him for a ride home and we grabbed a bottle of Dom and jumped into his lovers Mercedes . We drove as far as we could on Richmond Avenue where we went off a side road and leapt out of the car and dove into some wonderful clover grass in nothing but our briefest of bikinis.I remember the August sun beating down on our sweaty teen bodies and the flush of the expensive nectar and an orgasm that hasn't been matched since. He dropped me off at home and pulled away with a slight hand gesture and Bryan Bessett was gone. I saw Gordon the day before I left Wisconsin and he wished me well and gave me a check for a thousand dollars. I ripped the check up and told him I was not something to be bought off. I got out of the car and delivered a sucker punch "Gordon , by the way I am only 16 ( I was actually 17) and you started sleeping with me when I was 13." I never saw a man turn ashen that quick before. I mean he had to know.Gordon got me though when he told me my Xavier crush had wished me well.

 My friends from T*E*C had been a support for me during my last year and a half in Wisconsin. My family life had spiraled out of control. My Father's drinking had escalated to beyond help.My sister and I had turned into a Punch N Judy show, and my Mother was left to pick up the pieces. I was brought in to the Appleton police department one night after a huge fist fight with my Dad. I was carried out of the house in restraints. I had told my Mother when I was 14 that I was gay and she had sent me too  2 years of Christian counseling . I was brought into a room in the police department in Appleton where I was questioned about my gay friends. I was to find out that the department knew all about my comings and goings from Appletons local cruise spots. The officer wanted me to narc on the gentleman I knew. I just asked if I was under arrest and when finding out I was not I excused myself and did not look back. T*E*C had had some events and dances if I'm right and also overnight sojourns . It was at one of these events I met HIM. He had an amazing head of curly dark blond curls and a face off a Caravaggio painting. I hung with him and his friend who had a head of  white blond hair, both of whom had a sinewy swimmers build. There was a lake there and we would go swimming in an overcast sky. I was turned on by the fact that while everyone was in swim trunks ( even I was ) those two had speedos . I remember that last day of swimming everyone had gone down for diner I looked for those two and had found them in the shower together and I was dumbstruck. He (HIM) smiled at me and I just turned around. I was at diner and pretended like nothing was amiss .That last summer we would meet at a friend from T*E*C at his pool where we would play Marco Polo and he would be on my shoulder and I could feel his penis stiffen against my neck. His friend also would kind of rub against me in the pool and my head would swoon at why haven't I met these guys prior to leaving for back East.

One night a week or so before I left he came over with his cycle and he had me hop on and he drove me through Appleton. I was like Gidget on a date. I felt my skin turn scarlet as he grind his ass back into my lap. I felt his hair whip my face and we came back to 726 West Grant and I hopped off the bike we said our goodbye's and he was off. I found a piece of paper in my hand with his address in his new home in Madison. I wrote him when I was living in NYC and he replied  with a letter telling how much he missed me and his picture that had on the back " I love you Michael ". I was like a schoolgirl and remember going out with friends that night in the city and showing his picture and the consensus was that love meant LOVE. I went back to the apartment on Horatio and my roommate had thrown some trash away along with the envelope with his new address in Madison down the garbage chute. I was crushed and to this day I remember his face but his name has slipped my mind and I still cry at the thought of what could of been. He is gone like a wisp of wind across a pastoral landscape. His picture I lost a few years back and I still look for it now .

It was in Wisconsin I first heard about GLYNY. It was in a copy of Blueboy magazine if I'm right. It told of NYC's gay youth scene and had a great article about the youth group. I wrote a letter to them telling about being kicked out of Xavier.I never heard back from them but remembered the address 208 West 13th street.My Father and Mother had separated back in Appleton  and in the fall of '83 he was to come home. I was livid and went looking for GLYNY. I remember as we got closer to NYC on the New Jersey Transit bus my mind went in all directions. I remember seeing the WTC for the first time and on this cloudy October Saturday morning the towers had some clouds around the center of each building; I now know how it must of felt to Hercules looking at Olympus . I hate the cliche but I know also how Dorothy felt upon seeing OZ. I remember getting off at Port Authority Terminal and the smells of NYC hitting my nostrils. The smells where sweet,smoky and pungent all at the same time. I asked an officer how to get to the address of GLYNY and he told me to get the # 1 train. I was in the city of Corleone ,Kong,Annie Hall and the Ricardos.I was weak in the knees as I hit the stairs down into the lifeline of NYC. I waited on the platform for the train and must of look like a mental patient with my ear to ear grin. The heated burst of air came right before the subway arrived which would take me downtown towards the city's West Village. I got off at 14th and walked down the platform towards the 13th street exit and made my way up the steps .

208 West 13th a former school stood in the center of the block and it was 3 stories high. I managed to get enough guts up to walk up to the steps and look for the bell for GLYNY. I saw a few wires that traveled up  the facade of the building to the 3rd floor and  I pressed the bell . I remember above the bell was scrawled in some chicken scratch the word GLYNY. I pressed a few times when the huge brown doors opened up and standing before me was a person in engineer overalls and covered in coal soot .The person had on coke bottle lens glasses and a cap with hair pulled back. I told this person I was looking for GLYNY and the voice that came back was a woman's voice and I realized this person was a woman in her late 30's I would say. I was too early for the meeting so she told me to come back in about an hour.  I left the center and I traveled south toward the WTC. I was walking down 7th avenue when I saw Christopher Street and men HUNDREDS of men. It turned out to be a beautiful day and the street was packed. I could feel eyes checking out this piece of chicken and savored the stares.It was time for group so I strolled up 7th again and made my way back to my first GLYNY meeeting.

The Gay and Lesbian Community Center was in the process of being built within the building and to the observer you would think you stood in the center of a war torn city. The first floor looked like something out of an old Warner Brothers war film with chunks of debris and desks strewn all over as if the school had been evacuated at short notice. The stairs where of huge granite or dark marble with a very sturdy railing. I followed some teens up stairs and was met by a very attractive fellow by the name of Joey. Joey was the group chair and he introduced me around the room. I was new meat I suppose and the welcome was very sweet. I spoke to quite of few guys and mostly to Joey and a fellow by the name of Matthew. I told them of my situation at home and Joey listened and told me he had an idea but it would take a few weeks to figure out. I kept being told I looked like this fellow Christian and was told I had to come with the guys to the piers. I told them I had to be back in Ocean City and Joey called New Jersey Transit and found that I  could catch the 11pm bus from  Port Authority. It was off to the piers and my introduction to NYC gay scene.

I'm really not going to go into my leisure time in the city because that is all that and more. I will say I spent the next 3 Saturdays coming to GLYNY and the 3rd Saturday Joey told me he had a couple of men he wanted to see. Joey and I excused ourselves from the group and we headed towards the city. I was taken to 77 Christopher Street apartment 5e and met Tom and Randy. I was confused and Tom just came out and told me that I was welcomed to stay there and they would watch out for me. I was kind of floored because these two men where welcoming me into their home no questions asked. Joey went up the hallway and I could hear him on the phone with my Mother and Tom excused himself and went to talk to her also. I told Randy about the embarrassing ordeal of my getting kicked out of Xavier for being gay and the incredible fights my Father and I had. I remember starting to cry and Tom sat beside me on the couch and told me it was okay now.

The new year came along and GLYNY and Joey had help me get a job through a benefactor of the Center at his Italian Furniture Gallery Thema. I was also told I could get some counseling at The Institute for Protection of Lesbian and Gay Youth ( IPLGY). I went to IPLGY and my first group session. I remember the building vividly it was a very small lobby and you took an elevator that could barely fit 4 people in it. The Institute was in an office with hideous paneling and those heavy metal Teachers desks and some brown metal folding chairs and a huge rolling chalkboard.  Joyce a broad husky voice lesbian in her late 30's was our counselor along with a quiet man by the name of Steve. The group consisted of myself ,Abie a young Hispanic boy of 12 , Carmella a young lesbian from Queens , myself and a couple of other young men. IPLGY tried very hard to distance themselves from GLYNY. Joyce hated what she called the pier kids which is what Abie was a part of. This was apparent whenever Joyce would talk to Abie she would act like she was about to scrape him of the bottom of her boots. Carmella had a crush on Joyce and you could tell Joyce knew and had a power trip with the handling of Carmella. During are group sessions Joyce would usually dash away for phone calls from press , Sue Simmons producers , producers from the Donahue program etc...she was completely enamored with the attention the Institute had been receiving lately and you could tell that Steve was getting pissed by the interruptions and the fact Joyce was completely disinterested in the goings on of the youths.

I am not really going to go into much detail about my life in NYC as of yet but upon reading of this past week's festivities at the Hetrick-Martin Institute it brought back a lot of bittersweet memories about both youth groups. I remember how I was treated by IPLGY when a certain event during my NYC days was revealed and the public humiliation I was given by Steve. I remember Joyces handling of Abie and other group members who sadly disappeared in the cracks without notice. I fume when I read how some of these people are considered pioneers when they viciously tore apart the members of GLYNY. As far as I am concerned it was GLYNY who saved many kids from the perils of the streets and it's predators . IPLGY ( now Hetrick-Martin) was interested more in it's staff getting the recognition and aplombs that GLYNY rightfully deserved. I am going to be writing about this and much more. It was a GLYNY reunion a few years back that I talked to a few more people who experienced the same situations I did with Joyce and IPLGY.  I also got to honor Joey and Abie who passed away from Aids quite some time before. It is Abie's story of neglect and abandonment from the very people we look at as pioneers that I want to tell along with my journey of self discovery. It is the pioneers at GLYNY we should be looking at and not the egocentric staff of IPLGY in the early '80's. Abie Gomez will get the recognition he rightfully deserved .